"God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved"

As foster parents we have hit rock bottom. In the 10 months since our foster son has been here we have had a roller coaster life that we could have never imagined. My husband has answered the question, “How is it?” with “the highs are higher and the lows are lower than we anticipated.”

Our private agency has been far less supportive then promised in our initial training and we have not been able to successfully stay in touch with any members of our class. We aren’t sure where normal is. We have our normal, case workers tell us the behaviors we see in our foster child are normal. There is a huge gap in these two normals. I often don’t know who to talk to and feel  alone on this road I strongly encouraged my husband to take with me.

My husband always tells me church makes me feel better. When we get lazy and don’t go he sees a difference. We were traveling home last week and missed church and due to squabbling boys while I was greeting, we almost missed again today. We walked out the door and to the edge of the courtyard and stopped, talked, and went back in to try again.

During my time greeting, the Bishop’s wife stopped to talk to me and talked to the boys as they were bickering over who was going to sit on which step. She told me she has grandsons who are 15 months apart and says they have fought since day 1. I explained our older child had been an only child until 10 months ago when he finally received the sibling he had always wanted and we were still learning what was “normal” and what was not. She said one of those grandchildren had just been diagnosed with Type II diabetes and they were all getting used to their “new normal.”

The sequence hymn was "Amazing Grace", one of the songs on the soundtrack of my life.

Prior to Sunday school, the lead teacher looked at me and said, “I would really like to talk to you and hear your story.” I told her this wasn’t the best week to be asking; she answered she would rather hear it on a bad week. Adoption has always been a goal of hers and everything she has read has talked about how difficult it really is. We talked a bit about support systems etc and told her we felt we had pretty much hit rock bottom the other day and now it was fix it or quit. I told her there were other families at work that had been through fostering and adoption but it isn’t a big open discussion that I can pick up the phone and just call any of them to talk. She said she felt like many people probably ended up with the same feelings we have but that it is very hard to talk about and admit to those feelings to anyone when times are bad. It was a very genuine warm conversation and I felt like she really did care about our success and that she did want to listen and help in any way she could.

After church we ended up walking out to the parking lot with the Bishop and his wife and as she was walking away she said, “remember puppies, let them grow together and they will nip at each other and growl at each other, but they will grow.”

We are slowly bridging the sometimes seemingly huge chasm of normals to find OUR new normal. I have support that I didn’t realize I have and continue to find more support on a daily basis. I know I am not alone in this adventure as a foster mom.

Jason Mraz has a song entiled, "I Won't Give Up" which is currenlty another song on the soundtrack of my life.

"I Won't Give Up" from  www.azlyrics.com

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

 

Texas Skies

The skies have been taunting us for days in the hopes of rain. Rain has been falling  around the area but not right here at home. Friends have been posting their pictures and updates of the beloved wet falling from the sky.

Today was the day we thankfully had a nice short downpour.

Rain makes everything better.

Fig turnovers

Mom asked for figs and dark chocolate. I found both at Whole Foods and took her treats to her, we had a lovely visit. I got home and couldn't decide what to do with the rest of the figs; Whole Foods wouldn't sell me just one or two. I searched the internet and my cookbooks and settled on fig turnovers using the flavors and ingredients that jumped out at me from the recipes I did find. Puff pastry, fresh fruit, walnuts, honey, and a bit of chocolate. I made a variety including fig and cherry with chocolate, fig and apple with nutmeg and mace, fig and grape with balsamic, and some non fig turnovers for the boys who had no interest in figs. Served them with some mascarpone and candied walnuts.

Sunday in the yard

Now that the temperatures are going to hit 100 all this week, I finally found some time to plant some seeds; we'll see how that works out for me. I received a number of seed packages as a gift, had a huge bag of potting soil calling my name and a variety of containers to choose from. I chose the old wheelbarrow with very little in it, a BBQ grill with rust in the bottom, and a cracked pot hanging out next to the air conditioning unit.



The hydrangeas were beginning to fade so I trimmed all but one bloom a week ago and had them laying on the counter enjoying them and watching them collect dust. My husband suggested a put them in a covered cake plate on a shelf in the kitchen. I left the last bloom on the plant so the lizard can still have his favorite hangout.

Cactus in a glass

I could spend a small fortune on flowers and plants, I love going to the nursery and walking around to window shop.  I can look  at flowers and plants online for hours. I pull pages out of magazines and catalogs and plan. Then reality sets in and I look at my budget and I think, what do I already have in the yard and how can I make it work? I also keep an eye on Wal Mart and Lowe's. Some of my best buys have been Lowe's clearance plants, often while visiting relatives. We pack up everything we took with us and then add in all the sale plants from Lowe's for the trip home.

I've been looking at succulents online and seeing all the cute little gardens. I decided to use some crystal tumblers for an interesting twist. My initial plan didn't work out quite as I hoped but I played around and found the right combination. I finally used my favorite bar glasses my parents had while I was growing up and a lovely tray also handed down. I planted the cacti in clear plastic cups with some rocks at the bottom for drainage and slipped the cups into the glasses. This would keep the glasses usuable  in the future. My little cactus garden is  happy on the bar in the kitchen and I get to enjoy pretty family items that otherwise were lurking on shelves waiting for a special occasion.

Candy Bar Cookies

I was in search of a recipe for snickers cookies, a twist on a favorite for a camp care package. Found a few recipes that intrigued me, one with a chocolate chip cookie base, one with a peanut butter base. I decided to stick with what I know and what I had on hand and ended up with candy bar cookies.
I used leftover candy stashed in the pantry and combined it with my favorite peanut butter cookie recipe from The Blue Moon Cookbook.



Peanut Butter Cookies
1 stick butter
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup light brown sugar
1 egg
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp soda
1 cup flour

Cream butter and sugar until fluffy, then beat in peanut butter. Stir in egg and vanilla. Mix well. Combine salt, soda, and flour. Stir in slowly.
I then added the 2 1/2 cups of chopped candy (Mr. Goodbar, Kisses, Rolos, and Reeses) in addition to 1/2 cup chopped peanuts.
Use a small cookie scoop and bake on parchment lined cookie sheets about 10 minutes at 350.

Peanut Cakes

I asked Mom to tell me a story about the Bule Moon, she talked a bit about the cadets they used to take there but didn't go into too much detail. I asked what her favorite treat was and she told me the peanut cakes. Of course, there is no recipe in the cookbook for peanut cakes but the mocha cakes are coated in peanuts. I made them this morning, we'll see if they are anything close to what she remembers. Angel food cake, mocha icing, and peanuts.

First camp

Our 8 year old son who has never spent the night anywhere without one of us decided to attend a week long church summer camp. We packed him up and dropped him off happily in the bottom bunk of three with two boys he knows in the upper bunks. We have read blogs and seen photos and know he is safe. The house is incredibly quiet and the week seems longer then it should. Closing services are tomorrow morning and we are anxious to pick him up and hear all his marvelous adventures.