"God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved"

As foster parents we have hit rock bottom. In the 10 months since our foster son has been here we have had a roller coaster life that we could have never imagined. My husband has answered the question, “How is it?” with “the highs are higher and the lows are lower than we anticipated.”

Our private agency has been far less supportive then promised in our initial training and we have not been able to successfully stay in touch with any members of our class. We aren’t sure where normal is. We have our normal, case workers tell us the behaviors we see in our foster child are normal. There is a huge gap in these two normals. I often don’t know who to talk to and feel  alone on this road I strongly encouraged my husband to take with me.

My husband always tells me church makes me feel better. When we get lazy and don’t go he sees a difference. We were traveling home last week and missed church and due to squabbling boys while I was greeting, we almost missed again today. We walked out the door and to the edge of the courtyard and stopped, talked, and went back in to try again.

During my time greeting, the Bishop’s wife stopped to talk to me and talked to the boys as they were bickering over who was going to sit on which step. She told me she has grandsons who are 15 months apart and says they have fought since day 1. I explained our older child had been an only child until 10 months ago when he finally received the sibling he had always wanted and we were still learning what was “normal” and what was not. She said one of those grandchildren had just been diagnosed with Type II diabetes and they were all getting used to their “new normal.”

The sequence hymn was "Amazing Grace", one of the songs on the soundtrack of my life.

Prior to Sunday school, the lead teacher looked at me and said, “I would really like to talk to you and hear your story.” I told her this wasn’t the best week to be asking; she answered she would rather hear it on a bad week. Adoption has always been a goal of hers and everything she has read has talked about how difficult it really is. We talked a bit about support systems etc and told her we felt we had pretty much hit rock bottom the other day and now it was fix it or quit. I told her there were other families at work that had been through fostering and adoption but it isn’t a big open discussion that I can pick up the phone and just call any of them to talk. She said she felt like many people probably ended up with the same feelings we have but that it is very hard to talk about and admit to those feelings to anyone when times are bad. It was a very genuine warm conversation and I felt like she really did care about our success and that she did want to listen and help in any way she could.

After church we ended up walking out to the parking lot with the Bishop and his wife and as she was walking away she said, “remember puppies, let them grow together and they will nip at each other and growl at each other, but they will grow.”

We are slowly bridging the sometimes seemingly huge chasm of normals to find OUR new normal. I have support that I didn’t realize I have and continue to find more support on a daily basis. I know I am not alone in this adventure as a foster mom.

Jason Mraz has a song entiled, "I Won't Give Up" which is currenlty another song on the soundtrack of my life.

"I Won't Give Up" from  www.azlyrics.com

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up