I am at a cross roads in life, we have taken a leap of faith
and purchased a home in another town where we have family. I have resigned from
my job. We have put our house on the market. My husband and I don’t have job
leads despite multiple applications. I spend many days packing and cleaning the
grand collection of “stuff” we have accumulated in this home of 15 years. I
find myself struggling mainly with the end of this chapter, leaving here means
leaving the life I once led. I miss my best friend who has been gone for 8
years now, I miss my Mom who has been gone for almost two. I feel this makes
the loss of them both even more final than it already is.
I am realizing this path of drastic change did not start
this year, it started last year. I began a new job on a new campus, my Mom died
the day before inservice started. I went to work within three days to maintain
my sanity and find a new normal. The classroom I was assigned to came with its
own set of challenges but best of all, its own set of blessings. I learned a
little about advocating for myself despite spending years trying to teach
students to do the same thing. I had a group of seniors who kept me on my toes
and kept me busy and gave me love, support, and a really hard time some days.
In the spring, my husband’s father passed away after a long illness adding to
the already long and stressful year we were living. Some of these young people are happily still
in my life to give me love, support, and reminders of that hard time they gave
me. I get to see them grow instead of sending a class on its way and hope they are still doing well. I get to learn from them.
At the end of last school year I was fortunate enough to be
invited to co teach with a dear friend and colleague at Camp Capers. Teaching
is easy, teaching at church camp would stretch my brain in different ways. I
was familiar with Camp Capers through my child who willingly went to summer
camp the first year he could even though he had not previously spent a night
away from us. He had two church buddies in the cabin with him and started his
week off waving goodbye and plunging headlong into what I now know will be one
of the biggest foundations of his life.
Last summer I dropped my child off knowing when I picked him up I would
turn around and go to camp myself in under 24 hours. As I sat in our first
meeting with staff I heard what a rough week it had been for many of the staff
the previous week, I saw the tired faces and the stress of not knowing how our
team would mesh with the summer staff. I wanted to ease those frustrations with
a tale of my son’s week, in his words, the best week ever! I started telling
the staff, none of whom I knew, about how wonderful my child’s week had been,
how he had lost two grandparents that school year, life had been hard, and
camp had helped him heal; somewhere in
the middle of that explanation I broke down. Instead of comforting the staff, I
was the stranger in the room who needed comfort and added to their already
weary summer. And yet, I was welcomed with open arms. I taught, I learned the
songs my son knew, I was pushed by the schedule physically and mentally. I was strongly
but lovingly encouraged by the chaplain to help lead a chapel service; this was
way out of my comfort zone. My turn came during night chapel at the swimming pool.
After an open swim session and snacks we gathered around the pool and my co
teacher held my hand through the service. Last year’s theme was gifts, “For God
hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound
mind.”
2 Timothy 7 lives on my Twitter bio as a reminder that this experience
was a gift to me, chapel at the pool was a fresh beginning, shaping my life and sending me on a new path I didn’t realize at the time. Camp
Capers was the beginning of my healing process. I have been invited back to teach and learn again
with the same leadership group this summer with a theme of service.
Early this school year I began to lose my way, drowning in
the negativity of yet another new team I was teaching with. I fell victim to fear
rather than reminding myself I had a spirit of power. I doubted my sound mind
and many years of experience on the whim of some far less experienced than
myself. I didn’t love the person I was
becoming in the classroom or out. We began to talk as a family about moving
closer to extended family for support.
Throughout the last year I have found
friendships with several people in the Camp Capers family, most of them half my
age with much to teach me as I watch them grow. Several of those have written blogs
recently, some about camp and some about themselves, all of which have served
as a tool to help me find my way on this new path. I am learning once again not
to be afraid of loneliness; I will love myself. I will move and let myself be
moved (Thank you, Lukas) I will rejoice in following this path and appreciate the
opportunity I have to recreate myself after 20 years of teaching public
education as I continue to actively search for God in my relationships (Thank
you, Amanda). The true lessons I need are those I began to learn at Camp Capers
last year and are all waiting for me when I go back to camp in a few weeks. I
need to fully embrace who God created me to be and not be worried about what
others think, it takes courage to let my freak flag show a little bit every
once in a while, but it is definitely worth it. (Thank you, Adriana).
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